Am I Selfish or Selfless?

The title is deceiving, because as far as humanity goes we are selfish in and of ourselves due to our sinful nature. However, the question I am trying to ask is whether or not I am thinking in the best interests of others or if I am simply being selfish right now. As you probably have read in the previous post, I am currently struggling with this pervasive need to be alone. I'm in a state of mind where I need time to myself to think things through without worrying about what those around me want to do. And it is difficult to draw the line between collecting myself so that I can better interact with those around me, and simply wanting to give in to the selfish desires of my heart. I know deep down that in order for me to deal with other people in a godly way I need time alone with God to reevaluate my life and priorities, and in that way I know that my desire to get "Me-time" is a godly desire. However, the other part of me wants to be able to get away from everyone else so that I can do my own thing. That's the selfish part, and I can clearly distinguish the two. The problem is not identifying the two sides, the problem is that while I really do need time to myself, I only really want to use it as an excuse to do whatever I want to do.

And maybe doing what I want to do isn't such a bad thing, but when it leads me away from my friends and distances me from God, then it is a problem. The interesting thing is, I hadn't even thought about this until I started writing this post. So perhaps the real dilemma was that I knew deep down what the real problem was, but didn't want to admit it. While I have been thinking deeply about God's Word and theodicy and all sorts of issues lately, I've been ignoring my relationship with my Creator. This doesn't mean that my breakdown the other day is irrelevant, on the contrary it means that I need to start setting apart time where I can talk with God and study His Word in a more relational way.

So to conclude this, I am selfish, very selfish, but I need to start working on being more selfless, as should we all.

Community

So today we had a field trip for our Christian Formation in a Cultural Context class. I don't really want to go into the details, but basically we talked with kids from Lynn who took part in a study on human formation 6 years ago, and are back to follow-up. The class talks a lot about how important it is to have a Tri-polar relationship with God, meaning that there should be a triangle between God(at the top corner), you(at the bottom left), and other people(at the bottom right). This triangle represents the role of community in a right relationship with God. You can see and understand yourself better through other people, thus allowing you to see and better understand God. We develop our relationship with God in the same way that we develop our relationship with others, and by developing healthy Christian relationships with others, we grow closer to God.

While this field trip got me out of a class, it also made me late for the Inaugural Ball. My friend group all went together, which is totes better than trying the "Bring a Date" thing. If it came down to dates, let's just say I wouldn't have gone. Not because I'm not interested, but because I'm a retarded baffoon with no self-confidence or ambition. Anyway, so I showed up late after changing into nicer clothes, said hi to people, felt awkward for a few minutes, then decided to leave. I didn't feel right. Something about the whole thing left a pit of ... something, I don't know what, in my stomach, so I had to leave. I had to get out of there.

And of course, it's raining outside. It's bad enough that rain depresses me, but with me already not feeling right, it just got bad. I am currently in no mood to deal with people. And perhaps this is a result of not getting alone time, like, ever. I never get to spend time by myself, unless I go seclude myself in some corner of Ferrin or walk somewhere in the woods, which I don't really want to do. For me I get alone time by playing videogames, or reading(which I haven't had a good book to read in ages), or writing a story. *On a side note I guess you could say writing this blog is like writing a story.* Anyway, I can't play videogames because that's in my room and that's where there is ALWAYS somebody who wants to DO something, and I can't be alone if I'm worrying about what other people want to do. I can't read a book for two reasons: I don't have anything worth reading(besides the Bible of course, but that's not the kind of reading I'm thinking of), and I've got almost nowhere to read that is both secluded and comfortable. Where I am now excluded, though it is cold. And for some reason that I cannot adequately explain, I can't write a story while at Gordon. Something about the atmosphere of college life hinders me from focusing on a story. Words won't come, ideas don't flow, it sucks... P.S. I've resorted to naps, people tend not to bother me when I'm taking a nap, though some get pretty pissed off.

So anyway, I don't want to deal with people right now. Someone asked where I was and I lied to them(sorry), because I can't talk about this with someone right now. Maybe later, but now is not the time.

All this to ask, how does community help develop Christian character and a right relationship with God if dealing with people ends up just pissing you off in the end? *On another side note, if any of you are reading this, it's not you that's pissing me off, it's dealing with people in general on a daily basis to the point where I don't get to deal with myself.*

Warning: profanity
I think I'm too nice, because some people just came in and asked if they could play something real quick, and I said sure, no problem. And maybe that's the other reason I can't talk to someone right now. I'd force myself to shrug it off for later, and then I'd be stuck with this shitty feeling again some other time. And once again I would seek solitude to the exclusion of my friends and those I care about. Just get the fuck out of me, and let me be in peace.
End profanity

On the bright side, I found out Chris is a really good guitar player. I'm impressed, even in this mood. And with that I think I will end this post.

The Beginnings of a New Year

No, its not New Year, but this is the start of my Junior year at Gordon College. I have a new job, I am now the Director of the student venues council, basically placing me over Chester's Place and giving me oversight of several other spaces on campus. It's been difficult adjusting to my new responsibilities, especially since coming in I had very little knowledge of what the previous directors had done. Basically, I didn't know anything. But I am getting the hang of it, it's all starting to make sense and fit into a pattern and rythm. Which is good. I make a bit more money than I used to (always a plus, I really suggest it), and I get to work with a lot of great people. Some aren't so great, but you can't win everything.

Classes are freaking sweet. I'm finally taking all Youth Ministry major-related classes, and it is fantastic. I get to discuss stuff basically everyday, which I LOVE to do. I've already thought at least a little bit about everything we are going through, and some of those thoughts have already been posted in here, so I can just go back and reread my own thoughts... It's pretty neat, once again I'd suggest it. Thankfully this will give me more to talk and think about for this blog, so all you non-followers will finally have some reading material again (exciting, I know).

I think friendships are getting a little strained this year. I'm in a triple now, and it's been difficult reconciling the differences me and my new roommates have. We aren't very good at expressing our feelings on things and dealing with each other, and the bigger problem is that we all have the same friends. I'm starting to second guess my decision to room with them, not because of who they are but because we can't seem to get away from each other enough to refill our "straws" of patience. It doesn't help either that our friend group has dwindled. We lost several key members this year, both to studying abroad and switching colleges, and it has been painful. We can barely fill up a booth now in Chester's, and we've run out of exciting things to do. I feel like we need to reexpand our friend group, but how do you even go about doing that? Hold auditions? That would be fun, but I doubt it would work...

On the upside, my floor this year is the best I've ever had. We got a bunch of new freshmen, and all the stuck up seniors from last year have fled the premises. It's so much easier to have community when everyone actually wants to get involved (which is more than I can say for my roommates =P). But for the first time since I came to Gordon I have a floor that I can connect with, and it's amazing. I love it. And also on the upside, even with a smaller group of friends, I think that has allowed me to grow closer to my friends, to get to level of friendship that we didn't have last year or two years ago. I'm not very open by nature, I'm used to holding myself back(more because I don't know how to let it out than because I'm afraid of getting hurt or anything like that), and because of this closedness I feel like there has been some distance between the others and I, there has been a lack of depth which I have been desiring for quite some time now.

And on a final note, I think that depth begs more than simple friendship. I might actually be looking for something more serious, or to put it better, someone more serious. I've noticed over the past several months that I have been longing for something, something deeper than what I have. Something more relational than I've ever had outside my family. I've been longing for a relationship with a significant other, someone to share my experiences with and grow close to.

And just so I don't get too focused on that before I go to bed(yes it is that time of night), let me just say that squirrels are awesome, guns are cool, and I might need some tape because I am ripped!