Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Silence, Is It Golden?

I was driving home tonight (pretty late I might add), from dropping off Spiderman at his house. We had been hanging out with good ol Leroy Jenkins watching some episodes on Netflix like we usually do on Tuesday nights. It was a good time.

But on my drive home, alone, I had my stereo blasting from my rock playlist and I was just cruising down Rt. 1. "Sang" along to some of the songs, stayed silent for others that I just couldn't get the lyrics down for. It wasn't until the last few minutes of my drive that I came to a realization: I flood myself with music. If not music, then people. If not people, then videogames or Netflix. It has been a very long time since I've sat in silence and been left to my own thoughts (aside from the porcelain throne, but that's a distraction in and of itself). I do not know why I do this, not specifically. Hence why I am writing.

I know part of it is that I simply enjoy music. The rythms, the beats, the guitars, even the words most of the time. These are all enjoyable, and in some cases, edifying. But I also know that's not the whole of it.

In the car, I know that part of it is that I'm just trying to cover over the weird sounds my car makes, but that's certainly not the whole of it.

I'm worried that deep down there might be some desire to ignore God speaking, to not give Him an opportunity to speak. It would be like asking someone a question and then covering your ears and yelling "LALALALALA" when they try to answer. Recently I have asked Him a few questions, being very afraid of His answer, what it could be. But even if this is true, I still don't think it is the whole of it.

I don't want to be left alone to my own thoughts. Why? Because then I would really have to face myself. I'd have to look myself in the eye and be honest with where I am, who I have become, and how I have allowed myself to drop the ball on many of my responsibilities. I have a full-time job now, with a lot of responsibility. I don't treat it like a full-time job. I live in my own house now, and while I have done a fairly decent job of keeping it clean and maintained, I do a terrible job of holding myself accountable when it comes to going to sleep and getting up the next day. I used to rely on not wanting to wake others up with my alarm, I no longer have that concern (there is no one to wake up). And when it comes to my relationship with God, I haven't spent nearly as much time in recent months with Him as I should. What we have is hardly even a relationship. And even still, I do not think this is the whole of it.

I am afraid that If I don't fill my time with music, people, games, or shows, then I am wasting my time. Time in silence is wasted time, or at least that is what my subconscious is trying to tell me.

But I don't want that to be the case. I want to be able to enjoy the silence. I'm in a relationship now and I don't want our time together in silence to be considered as a waste. I honestly just enjoy spending time with her, talking or not. And I want to be able to enjoy all my times of silence, especially when I am sitting in the presence of God and listening for His voice. I don't want to be afraid of what He'll say. I don't want to be afraid of silence.

One thing I am endeavoring to do after writing this is find a day where I can spend my time in silence. No music, no videogames, no tv shows, and not just encircling myself with friends. I need to spend the day taking in what's around me, taking in my thoughts, and listening for God's voice. That is my challenge to myself.

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