While this field trip got me out of a class, it also made me late for the Inaugural Ball. My friend group all went together, which is totes better than trying the "Bring a Date" thing. If it came down to dates, let's just say I wouldn't have gone. Not because I'm not interested, but because I'm a retarded baffoon with no self-confidence or ambition. Anyway, so I showed up late after changing into nicer clothes, said hi to people, felt awkward for a few minutes, then decided to leave. I didn't feel right. Something about the whole thing left a pit of ... something, I don't know what, in my stomach, so I had to leave. I had to get out of there.
And of course, it's raining outside. It's bad enough that rain depresses me, but with me already not feeling right, it just got bad. I am currently in no mood to deal with people. And perhaps this is a result of not getting alone time, like, ever. I never get to spend time by myself, unless I go seclude myself in some corner of Ferrin or walk somewhere in the woods, which I don't really want to do. For me I get alone time by playing videogames, or reading(which I haven't had a good book to read in ages), or writing a story. *On a side note I guess you could say writing this blog is like writing a story.* Anyway, I can't play videogames because that's in my room and that's where there is ALWAYS somebody who wants to DO something, and I can't be alone if I'm worrying about what other people want to do. I can't read a book for two reasons: I don't have anything worth reading(besides the Bible of course, but that's not the kind of reading I'm thinking of), and I've got almost nowhere to read that is both secluded and comfortable. Where I am now excluded, though it is cold. And for some reason that I cannot adequately explain, I can't write a story while at Gordon. Something about the atmosphere of college life hinders me from focusing on a story. Words won't come, ideas don't flow, it sucks... P.S. I've resorted to naps, people tend not to bother me when I'm taking a nap, though some get pretty pissed off.
So anyway, I don't want to deal with people right now. Someone asked where I was and I lied to them(sorry), because I can't talk about this with someone right now. Maybe later, but now is not the time.
All this to ask, how does community help develop Christian character and a right relationship with God if dealing with people ends up just pissing you off in the end? *On another side note, if any of you are reading this, it's not you that's pissing me off, it's dealing with people in general on a daily basis to the point where I don't get to deal with myself.*
Warning: profanity
End profanity
On the bright side, I found out Chris is a really good guitar player. I'm impressed, even in this mood. And with that I think I will end this post.
And I realize I never came up with an answer for my question in there, but that's only because I am still seeking the answer... One day I'm sure I will find it and then I'll share it here.
ReplyDeleteIs isolation such an alien idea to mankind? Haven't you ever had to just "get away" by yourself? Haven't you ever needed time to think, time to collect your thoughts, time to refresh yourself, time to restock on straws of patience? Right now, that's what I need. I just need time, which is a luxury I have so much of, yet so little. I have so much free time with my schedule this year, but I never get to use any of it for myself. There is always somebody around.
ReplyDeleteI want to thank God for giving me the people in my life right now, who care so much about my well-being and are offering their time to talk with me and help me through this. I love you all so much, but that's not what I need right now.